Duke Nukem and Hulk Hogan's Fantastic Adventure 8
The Story It was a beautiful day in Duke City. It was finally spring. Well, the weather is always nice in Duke City, since it's in Florida, but anyway, it was spring! So, the Duke & Hulk Gang were hanging out at Duke's private beach that he bought with the money he got from mowing lawns last summer. Luke and John were hanging with the gang as well. So, since it was so nice out, they decided to have a barbecue. Hulk was grilling his famous Hulkster Burgers on the balcony of the private hotel resort. Brook, I mean Soulja King, was feeling kind of horny, I mean bony. So he took out his iPhone and called up his wife, I mean bitch. He told her to get her slutty ass over there. Brooke arrived in a tiny-ass bikini. Brook slapped her and told her to take her clothes off. Brooke had absolutely no problems with that. They fucked in the golden sand. Then John and Luke decided to go for a romp in the water, because they found what was going on in the sand to be less-than-arousing. Ew, the thought of John Hogan experiencing arousal. Anyway, the very first wave that came at them was enough to knock John over, even though it wasn't very big at all. Hulk, who was watching the boys play from the balcony, yelled down to John. "Damn it John! Now you've contaminated the water with your skin-flakes! Now nobody can enjoy the water!" So Luke and John got back onto the sand, and Upload pulled out a Little Mermaid coloring book that he had on his person. "We color," he said. By the way, Upload was also wearing a backpack, which had some new items in it. More on this later. Anyway, Luke and John went over and helped Upload color. Then, Luke scratched his thick beard, and said "Hey, did yew guyz evo notice dat all mo'maidz aw white? Like, when I went to da aquewium, dey didn't have any black mo'maidz de'oh." The gang all laughed hysterically. "Haha! Luke, buddy, mermaids aren't real! That'd be as ridiculous as a dog being able to drive a souped-up car, or a walking talking skeleton!" Duke explained to his nephew. Luke frowned. So then, the gentlemen skeleton spoke up. "You guys are stupid! I went to Fishman Island before and it was full of beautiful, sexy mermaids! I had sex with like ten of them!" gloated Brook. Brooke felt betrayed, and started to cry. "Damn it, woman! It's not like I was in love with any of them! All I did was fuck them and leave! Goddamn!" said Brook as he slapped his wife. The gang, including Brooke, laughed. Then Luke thought to himself, and a little lightbulb appeared above his head. Upload took this, and said "me need", as was obvious to everyone. Luke then told everyone that he was going to fail 3D Design, because he was still on the first project, and the semester was almost over. "Aww, don't worry, brother. Positive thoughts and positive deeds, these are the things that make you succeed!" said Hulk, giving Luke a high five. "You know, I have a relative who's also something of an artist! He's obsessed with horses. He draws them all the time. In fact, on his honeymoon, he brought a horse and fucked it instead of his wife. You might know him, his name is George Hogan!" said Hulk. "I nevo' hoad of him!" said Luke. "Yo Hulk man, me neither man," said Soulja Boy. So, Brooke asked "Who's George, daddy? Is he your cousin that drew pictures of me as a horse when I was twelve years old and then went into the bathroom and came out with our usual supply of yummy mayonnaise that you never ate?" Hulk nodded. Meanwhile, Duke was trying hard to open a beer, but it wasn't easy. Then Soulja Boy was becoming frustrated. He accidentally took some Viagra that morning and had a raging boner. "Shit man, how long dis boner gon' last?" wondered Soulja Boy aloud. But then, almost as if she was listening to their conversation not too long ago, a black mermaid washed up on the shore! Soulja Boy found her sexy, because he is also black, in case you didn't know. So he ran over and got ready to fuck her. But he looked all around and couldn't find a vagina! No matter. He decided to have her give him head, but then realized she had sharp fangs and would most likely chomp his dick off! "FUCK!" said Soulja Boy. So then, Upload was like "me try instead." Soulja Boy was like "FUCK NO!!!" So Brook invited Soulja Boy over to have a threesome with him and Brooke. Brooke enjoyed it. As Duke was calmly sipping his beer, he noticed the black mermaid at the corner of his eye. "AAAAH!!! A NIGGER!!! A NIGGER!!!" He ran over to the mermaid, and shot its brains out. He picked up the corpse and threw it out at sea, and a killer whale jumped out of the ocean, caught the corpse, and swam back under. Luckily, Soulja Boy was too focused on ramming Brooke in the ass to notice Duke's heroic deed. So, Hulk yelled "SHIT! I forgot about the burgers!" and ran back to check on the grill. Luckily, they had just finished! He went to put them onto buns, but realized the buns were nowhere to be found. "This is quite peculiar! I had them right here!" Hulk pondered aloud. Then he saw a seagull flying away with his buns. "OH NO! THAT SEAGULL'S STEALING THE BUNS!!" yelled Hulk. "IF WE DON'T HAVE OUR BUNS, WE WON'T BE ABLE TO ENJOY OUR BURGERS, BECAUSE BURGERS ARE USUALLY EATEN ON BUNS!!" Hulk continued. "Thank you, Captain Obvious!" said Sci-Fi. Then McBaldy, who now had some hair, made an account on SonicAnime with the Captain Obvious name because he thought it was an original and cool name/identity. But anyway, Dukey managed to leap up in the air and catch the seagull in his mouth, and killed the fuck out of it. The gang rejoiced. So, Hulk decided to grill the seagull too. The gang chomped down on the delicious Hulkster Burgers. Well, all except Brooke, because Brook doesn't allow her to eat because he's afraid she'll get fat. Brook doesn't like fat chicks. They continued to eat. Upload put mayonnaise between two buns. "Hey, Upload, you don't want any beef?" asked Hulk. Upload snapped. "MY NAME NOT UPLOAD MY NAME BOWSER KOOPA." Hulk fell back into his seat. "Wh-what? We've called you 'Upload' for the longest time now, brother. What's gotten into you?" asked Hulk. Then Upload's Facebook friends all heard Hulk's "insult" and parachuted down to the beach. Then they started bitching at him like he was the devil. Duke then stepped in and singlehandedly beat the shit out of each one of them. "DON'T YOU EVER TALK THAT WAY TO MY BEST FRIEND!" said Duke. "Thanks, brother," said Hulk. Duke gave him a thumbs up in response. Then, Upload was hyperventilating, and foaming at the mouth. The gang watched in horror. "UPLOAD!! CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!!" yelled Duke. Upload jumped up on top of the table, ripped all his clothes off, and then put on his Super Sonic hat and Sonic gloves. A golden aura shone around him. "AUJHUGDHFUHDHFDHUJ!!!!!!!!!" he yelled. Duke looked at Sci-Fi and noticed a sweat drop slid down his face. "Sci-Fi... bro, do you know anything about this?" Duke asked. "Yeah... He transformed into MegaUpload!!" Sci-Fi responded. The gang gasped. Then Upload leapt forward and started slapping Duke and Hulk severely. They were all "Oof! Ouch!" and Duke was like "These slaps actually kinda hurt!" The rest of the gang held Upload back, and tied him up to keep him from causing any more trouble. "Sorry about that, guys," said Sci-Fi. Then, Upload started to cool off and then McBaldy removed his Super Sonic hat. "Goddamn, the fuck got into him?" asked Brook. "That was his MegaUpload form. He gets that way whenever he gets super pissed off," said Sci-Fi. "Ah, so is he really sensitive about his new name or something?" asked Duke. "idc about display names," said Upload. "What is that new name about, anyway? Where did it come from?" asked Hulk. Sci-Fi then said "I dunno, but I think it's kinda stupid. It's also stupid how he keeps adding people pretending to be fictional characters on Facebook." Luckily, Upload didn't hear this, as he was now calm and licking the mayonnaise off the buns, pretending it was semen. So, the gang was now having fun, and enjoying their day at the beach. So, after they were done eating, Hulk suggested that they go to a strip club. Duke was then like "Why bother? We could just pick up some prostitutes. We won't have worry about paying them either because hey I'm Duke Nukem." Everyone thought it was a good idea. So Duke took a stroll out in Duke City and found random women walking the streets (and none of them were even prostitutes). He brought them back to his private resort. Then, one of the women farted. Duke didn't know which one laid the stink bomb, but he was PISSED. He yelled "GODDAMN IT!!! I'M NOT TRYING TO GET THE SMELL OF ASS ON MY DICK!!! Even if we're not going to have anal sex, the vagina is quite close to the anus. SO THAT'S WHY I'M FUCKING PISSED. MY DICK SMELLS LIKE DUKE NUKEM, NOT A RANDOM LADY ANUS." He punched a hole in the wall. "ALRIGHT, ONE OF YOU CONFESS OR THAT'S WHAT'LL HAPPEN TO YOU." The women were nervous and shaking. McBaldy attempted to put his dick inside the hole Duke made in the wall in hopes of fucking it, but he failed. So then the bitch who did it was sweating profusely. All eyes were on her. So she pulled out some pepper spray and tried to spray Duke with it, but luckily, his sunglasses are pepper spray-resistent, so she ended up pepper spraying herself. The gang tied her up and locked her in a closet, similar to what Hulk did to Cory several months ago. Then, the gang tried to have sex. But they noticed something weird about these women. Each of them had a "M" tattooed above their vaginas. The gang thought this was weird. However, everyone had sex with the women, except Upload because, you know. Luke too, because he's afraid of women, so he locked himself in the closet. But he forgot that a woman was in there too, but unfortunately for him he was locked inside. To make matters worse, he had to smell her farts. The gang proceeded to make love to the women. Then John, who was in the bathroom while all this was occuring, came out and saw the massive orgy that was going on. Once again, he was confused that the women had different genitals than him. He stuck his face near the vagina of the woman Soulja Boy was fucking so he could inspect it. "Yo Johnny boy, do ya mind? I'm tryna fuck dis pussy here, it's kinda awkward when yo' face is two inches away from my dick." So the woman was like "Yeah!" and queefed in his face. "EW EW EW EW" yelled John, as he covered his eyes, screamed, and ran outside to the balcony only to jump off. "...Awright bitch, can you gets back to crankin' dat Soulja Boy?" asked Soulja Boy. The bitch nodded. The gang fucked the women harder and faster. Little did they know, these women were under control by an evil warlock to absorb power from the Duke and Hulk Gang via sexual intercourse to revive a powerful genie that has been sealed away for millions of years, since the time of Jesus. This warlock, named Babidi, was in his lair watching the meter go up thanks to his women drones absorbing the necessary power. "Yes! YES!!" he yelled. Meanwhile, John came to after jumping off the balcony, and for some reason had a vision of Babidi's evil plan. "Oh no! I have to destroy him, before he destroys Duke City for good!" said John, running off in a random direction, not knowing where the fuck Babidi's lair even was. But anyway, the meter continued to rise at a quick rate. Soulja Boy's Soulja Senses started tingling! "Oh shit! Guys! Stop! Something isn't right!" everyone stopped. The meter was .1 away from reaching full. "GODDAMN IT!! WHY THE FUCK DID IT STOP RISING?!! IT'S SO DAMN CLOSE TO FINISHING!!! CTRL ALT DELETE!!!" yelled Babidi in frustration. "Look y'all, I can'ts really explain what's going on, but dees women be evil yo. 'Dos "M" tattoos above dey pussies ain't normal yo," explained Soulja Boy. "Yeah... come to think of it, I DID feel some sort of life force being sucked out of my cock" said Hulk. The women had nervous expressions again, so the gang knew they were busted ."WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" yelled Duke, holding up a woman by her tits since she wasn't wearing a shirt. She started explaining."Well, you see, we're working for this wizard named Babidi who was using you guys, since you're the most powerful heroes in the world--" Duke interrupted her. "I KNOW WE ARE BUT FINISH WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE SAYING." The bitch continued to explain. "W-well, he's using you guys to absorb energy via sex to revive a monster that's been sealed away for years!" Duke threw her on the ground. "Did he absorb enough power?" Duke asked. "No... but it was close," said the bitch. The whole gang sighed in relief. However, the gang started to hear some banging noises coming from inside the wall. "The fuck is that?" asked Sci-Fi. "It's... OH NO!!!" said Hulk. "THE CLOSET!!!" yelled the gang in unison. They rushed over to the closet and opened it. They found Luke in the missionary position with the tied up woman, with semen all over her crotch. "Oh no..." said Duke. Then red clouds started forming at the edge of Duke City. "That must be where his lair is! I'll bet Uncle Hulk and his friends are there waiting for my help!" said John. He ran off in that direction. Then, back at the resort, the gang was frozen in fear. The bitches rejoiced. "Yes! That did it! Babidi got enough power to revive his monster!!" "RAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!" Duke yelled in frustration. "WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS SO-CALLED BABIDI?!" he asked. So then one of the bitches said "What makes you think we'll tell you?! Mua ha ha... MUA HA HA HA!!" while stroking her pussy. Then the gang heard a distant "HEEEELP!!", so they went out to the balcony. Sure enough, they saw a speech bubble that said "HEEEELP!!" next to the red clouds at the edge of Duke City. Hulk gasped. "That's John's voice! But what's with the speech bubble?" Duke pulled out his gun and shot all the bitches and they died. "I dunno, but we don't have any time to waste! Dukey, fire up the Duke Mobile!" said Duke. Dukey barked in acknowledgement, and the gang all left. Well, Luke and Brooke stayed behind, because they wouldn't be of much help. But anyway, they zoomed towards the source of John's scream. They finally arrived, even though it was like four blocks away. They stepped outside and looked for the entrance since nothing seemed suspicious. However, Dukey was sniffing around and found a ladder which leads underground. "Arf! Arf arf! Bark! Woof!" said Upload. Dukey agreed with him. So the gang went underground and found the warlock. "OH SHIT! It's the Duke and Hulk gang! What happened to my women soldiers?!" yelled Babidi. "We fucked dem good..." said Soulja Boy, followed by "...and then I killed 'em with style," said Duke as he lit a cigar. "Grr... Why, you...!!! WELL, YOU'RE TOO LATE!! MY GENIE GOT ENOUGH POWER AND WILL NOW BE REVIVED!!!" yelled Babidi. He pulled the lever and said "NOW... ARISE, MY GENIE NAMED ROBIN WILLIAMS!!!" The gang watched in horror. A blue genie named Robin Williams appeared in a puff of smoke. He was all like "Hey yeah hey I'm Robin Williams hey hey Robin Williams stuff and hey hey what's up!" Babidi slapped his forehead. "Stop being such a moron!" he said. This angered Robin Williams the Genie, who zapped a laser at Babidi, which killed him instantly. So then, he started singing. "MISTER DUKE NUKEM SIR, WHAT WILL YOUR PLEASURE BE? LET ME TAKE YOUR ORDER, JOT IT DOWN!" So then Duke was like "Got any beer?" Robin Willaims then said "Oooh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't!! HAHAHA!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!" Then Robin Williams started flying around the room like crazy, driving the gang crazy. Then everyone was pretty much wondering what was so bad or evil about this genie. So Hulk asked "Hey, Mr. Williams, would you like to come hang out at our private beach resort with us?" Robin Williams the Genie responded "Well, I don't know. I was supposed to listen to what Babidi told me but I kind of killed him. Wahahaha! Ain't I a stinker?" The gang was dumbfounded. So then a puppy wandered into the lair for some reason. The gang all thought the puppy was cute. "Aww, what a cute little guy! I think I'll keep him as a pet!" said Robin Williams. It all seemed very touching. But there was a loose anvil hanging from the ceiling for some reason, and it dropped down and crushed the puppy. Robin Williams was like "Grrr... GRRRRRRRRR...GRHGSSFSJDFSDFS" and emitted a very evil version of himself from his body. In fact, this evil spawn was red instead of blue. The gang was confused. Robin Williams was like "OH NO!!! THIS IS MY EVIL VERSION!! HIS NAME IS CARDINAL ROGERS!!!" Cardinal Rogers then zapped a beam at Robin Williams which turned him into a penis-shaped cookie. Cardinal didn't eat it because he thought it would make him gay if he did. So he turned him into a cookie shaped like a tit on the boob. He ate it. He then transformed into a whole new powerful being which was Large-Breasted Cardinal Rogers! He looked a lot like regular Cardinal Rogers, except he had very large, hairy manboobs. Everyone except for Upload was horrified. So Large-Breasted Cardinal Rogers, who went by the nickname of "L.B." back in high school, said "Watch this shit!" and then started cracking his neck over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. This drove the gang crazy. Duke was getting all tense. Hulk looked over to him. "Brother, are you alright?" he said. Duke didn't answer. He had his fists clenched, and his hair was starting to grow tall. Then, Cardinal Rogers CONTINUED to crack his neck over and over again. Duke was getting so tense that he started to shake. Cardinal Rogers finally stopped, and then went over and gave Hulk a wedgie. "DUUUKE!!! SOULJA BOY!!! BROOK!!! SCI-FI!!! MCBALDY!!! SOMEONE HEEEELP ME!!!!!" yelled Hulk. Upload pulled down his pants and started to jack off. Soulja Boy had had it with Cardinal Rogers' antics. "Yo dawg, dat ain't cool! White guys aren't s'posed to expose their undies, dat's what us blacks do!" So Soulja Boy, offended at Cardinal Rogers' disrespect for nigga culture, popped a cap in his genie ass. Except, he couldn't tell if it had any effect, cause Cardinal Rogers' skin is red as blood anyway. Meanwhile, Hulk was crying at his humilation. He was only a step away from Luke's losing his pants that one time! So Duke snapped. He underwent a brand new transformation. His hair grew tall as usual, but it was in the shape of a dick. Cardinal Rogers let go of Hulk. Everyone in the room gasped and was amazed at his new transformation. "What... what are you?" asked Cardinal Rogers. "Me? I'm... Manly Hair Duke," said Duke. Cardinal Rogers was shaking in his boots. Then, Duke turned to the gang, all cool and all shootin' some B-ball outside of the school. Except he was just all cool, not that last part. But anyway, he said "Guys, listen to me very carefully. I want you to find John, and then get out of here immediately," said Duke. McBaldy said "Should we take John with us when we find him?" Duke facepalmed, and said "Obviously! Now go!!" So the gang sped off. Whilst going off to find John, Upload was amazed at Duke's new transformation. He stood watching in awe. "UPLOAD! WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST TELL YOU?!" Yelled Duke. Upload continued to stare at Duke's hair in complete silence. "Hey, Upload. My eyes are down here," said Duke. "me want to play with your hair" said Upload as he leaped on top of Duke's hair. Duke threw him off. Upload started to get pissed that he couldn't play with Duke's hair. He started going crazy again. He put on his Super Sonic hat, and then started going toe-to-toe with Duke! Cardinal Rogers cackled whilst pinching his nipples. "Mua ha ha... This John fellow... I think I'll go eliminate him, because I'm such an asshole!" he said, and then flew off. "JOHN!!! NO!!!!!" screamed Hulk in anguish. There wasn't any time for fooling around now. Hulk looked to the members of the Duke & Hulk Gang that weren't Duke and Upload very seriously. "Guys, find a way to break up Duke and Upload's fight. I have to go save my nephew at all costs!" said Hulk. Everyone nodded, as Hulk ran off after Cardinal. Whilst running, his mustache started to grow. His Stachefists of Fury had returned. He was ready to kick some genie ass. So then, Soulja Boy, Brook, Sci-Fi and McBaldy ran to the scene of the battle between Duke and Upload. "Upload! Cut the shit now!" yelled Sci-Fi. Upload didn't listen, and continued to throw punches at Duke. Duke then realized Upload would do nothing but get in the way on this mission, so Duke karate-chopped him in the back of the head, thus knocking him out. "Phew," said Duke. Brook picked up Upload and buried him. "Dude yo, Brook. He ain't dead yo" said Soulja Boy. "I know," said Brook. Duke, now free from distraction, went to go catch up with Hulk. So Cardinal had entered the room where John was tied up with dental floss, with Hulk right behind him. "Haha!!! You're too late!!!!" said Cardinal to Hulk. Cardinal got closer and closer to John. "UNCLE HULK, HAAAALP!!" yelled John, and then started twiddling his fingers around his nose. Wait, how did he manage to do that when his arms were tied up? I dunno. But anyway, the sound bounced off the walls in a way that stopped Cardinal dead in his tracks. "Ohhhfsufhsfhsud... THAT NOISE!!!" he yelled. "JOHN, KEEP DOING THAT!" yelled Hulk. John complied, and Hulk jumped up and started pummeling Cardinal with his Stachefists of Fury. Meanwhile, Duke was looking for the right entrance to the room that held John captive. He heard John's scream, and decided to follow it. But since time was short, he just decided to break through the walls in order to get there. He finally made it into the room and saw Hulk beating the shit out of Cardinal. Hulk paused. "D-Duke! You made it!" he said in relief. However, Cardinal took advantage of this as Hulk was off guard, and grabbed John by his balls. "HAHA!! IF I TEAR THESE OFF, YOUR GIRLFRIEND WILL BE MISERABLE!!" yelled Cardinal. Hulk and Duke were like "...ooh... ouch." John started to sulk, and it wasn't because Cardinal had him by the balls, it was because of the constant reminder that he doesn't have a girlfriend. So Cardinal squeezed John's balls as if they were stress balls, and well, John flipped the fuck out. "MMMGNHGMHNGMHNGMGMNGGG!!!!" John exclaimed in exrcuciating pain. The gang felt terrible for John, well, everyone except for Hulk. He knew what was about to happen. "Oh no, guys! He's about to go into John Hogan Overload! RUUUUUUN!" It seemed counter-productive to run away when they had spent all this time and effort trying to rescue John, but Hulk knew what he was talking about. The gang escaped the lair, and seconds later, KA-BLOOIE! The lair was blown to smithereens by John's sheer willpower. Also, Upload was unearthed from the hole he was buried into. So Soulja Boy was like "Shit shit, man. That shit was intense." Everyone nodded in agreement. "Is... Is John okay? And is that genie still alive?" asked Sci-Fi. Dukey sniffed the rubble and barked a few times. "Dukey says they're both still alive," said Duke. "Yo ho ho, I wonder what Luke and Brooke are doing right now?" said Brook. "Brook, that was kind of random. Why would you think about that at a time like this?" asked Duke. "I dunno!" said Brook. But Brook had a point. What WERE Luke and Brooke up to while the gang was fighting evil once again? You see, they were still at the resort. Luke was eating the dead bitches' corpses and Brooke was shoving their bones up her pussy because she longed to have sex with Brook. Back where all the action was, the Duke & Hulk Gang were trying to look for John. But it was dark out, so it was kind of hard to find him. Luckily, McBaldy was with them so he used his bald head to mimic a flashlight by reflecting light from the moon. They finally found John. He was passed out, laying under some rubble. Dukey dug him out. Then Cardinal emerged from the rubble, angry as fuck. "GRRRR... HOW DARE YOU....... FSUDFHSGDFGFDSFSDF...." he said, bulging up and shit. Then, he bent over and shat out an unconscious Robin Williams! But this wasn't the end of Cardinal. He then turned into a child for some reason. "Mua ha ha... you'll never defeat me in this form!" said Cardinal. The gang laughed hysterically because he was like a midget now, but he still had those ridiculous man-boobs! Soulja Boy's Soulja Tellin' went off. "Aw, hell naw... He really IS more powerful like this! Come on guys, let Duke and Hulk take care of this!" said Soulja Boy. The gang took Robin Williams' body and got the fuck outTAH there. So then, Duke and Hulk got into battle ready positions. They charged at Cardinal, and Hulk grabbed Cardinal by his man titties. He swung him around in the air like a lasso and slammed him down into the pavement. Hulk thought that would've dealt a huge amount of damage to him, but Cardinal got up with barely a scratch on him. He grabbed Hulk by his mustache and kneed him him the face. Hulk collapsed with a broken nose. "HUUUUUUULK!!!!!" yelled Duke. He went to punch Cardinal's fucking head off, but Cardinal quickly transformed Duke into a hamster. Duke fell onto the ground, scurrying around in a figure 8 path. "Mwah... ha... HA!!!!" laughed Cardinal. "I WON!! I DEFEATED DUKE AND HULK!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! YES!! YES!!!" he yelled as he flew around the room in joy. Duke was leaving little hamster turds everywhere. But just then, two blasts hit Cardinal from different directions. It was Robin Williams and Upload - WITH his Super Sonic hat on! So Cardinal was like "What?! Grrr... Look, I singlehandedly eliminated Duke and Hulk. What makes you think you can defeat me?" Upload leapt forward, pants off, and started smacking around Cardinal with his ballsack. "Keep going, kid! While you do that, I'll charge up my special attack!" said Robin Williams, posing and shit. Meanwhile, Brook picked up Hamster Duke and Soulja Boy retrieved Hulk's unconscious body and the two were taken away from the battlefield. So Upload kept smacking Cardinal around with his ballsack. Then, Upload shoved his ballsack down Cardinal's throat. Cardinal began to choke. Robin Williams finished charging his attack. Cardinal was losing consciousness, so his guard was down. Robin Williams placed himself directly under Cardinal, and shot out a huge beam which went up through his ass and out of his mouth. It destroyed his internal organs, thus killing him. Unfortunately, Upload's balls were incinerated in the process, but he didn't mind. Upload reverted back to normal. They sealed up Cardinal's corpse in a box so they could mail it to Surrie the Asperger because she is always hungry. They both wiped the sweat from their foreheads. "You know, you're not bad, kid," said Robin Williams to Upload as he shook his hand. He noticed Upload bleeding like fuck from where his ballsack used to be, so he used his genie magic to recover a new one for him. Then the gang all went over. "Yo man, could you use yo' we gotta power to turn our friends back to normal?" asked Soulja Boy. "Sure thing!" replied Robin Williams. He waved his hand, and Duke was a human again, and Hulk's nose was fixed. Duke and Hulk both held their heads. "Ugh... What happened?" asked Hulk. "It's a long story y'all. We'll tell y'all tomorrah," said Soulja Boy. "Just tell us this... is it over?" asked Duke. "NOT TILL THE FISH JUMPS," said Robin Williams. A fish then jumped. "It's over," said Robin Williams. Sci-Fi and McBaldy went over to Upload. "Hey Nick, we saw the whole thing! Great job!" said Sci-Fi. Upload said "i like my videos" in response. The gang all had a hearty chuckle. So then, They headed back to Duke's apartment. Robin Williams tagged along because he had nowhere else to go. When they got there, they discovered all the bitches were gone and Luke and Brooke were fat as fuck. However, Brooke's stomach was bumpy and rigid. Brooke saw Brook, and stoof up. A bunch of bones fell out of her vagina. "Yo ho ho, dear lord. Did you have sex with George Washington again? Stupid bitch," said Brook. The gang laughed. The night was still young, so they all went out to the beach again, made a fire, and told ghost stories. Then Robin Williams pulled out a picture of an elephant he had in his pocket, and a single tear rolled down his face. "Robin Williams, what's wrong?" asked Duke. Robin Williams showed him the picture. "I miss my elephant! He was my pet before I was enslaved by Babidi's family," explained Robin Williams. "Hey, that elephant looks familiar! Could it be...?" asked Hulk, also looking at the picture. The rest of the gang leaned in to get a look. Luke and McBaldy ran back to the room screaming. "Yep, that's definitely the elephant that gave us trouble last month! He lives at the Duke City Zoo now. You should go break him out!" said Duke. "Thanks, I will! I'll never forget your kindness! Maybe we'll meet again someday! Farewell!" said Robin Williams, flying off in the direction of the Duke City Zoo. So, after that, the gang started feeling sleepy. "Hey, y'all, how about I sing y'all a muthafuckin lullaby?" asked Soulja Boy. "That would be beautiful, Soulja Boy," said Hulk. So Soulja Boy started to sing "Yo yo yo, go to fuckin' sleep, yo yo yo, I like dem vaginas deep, yo yo yo, you can't mess wit me, yo yo yo, titties I like to see yo yo yo" before he was interrupted by John. "That's great, Soulja Boy. However, I think I should tell you guys a poem to get you to go to sleep. Okay, here I go. My name is John, my room's light is on, I regularly attend a Star Trek con, girls like it when I've got nothing on." The gang was fast asleep. John rested his head on a pillow, satisfied with an inflated ego, thinking his poem was a success. However, the real truth is they fell asleep because of how boring it was. What kinds of adventures are in store for our heroes tomorrow? You'll have to read to find out. Fate is always on the side of the Duke & Hulk Gang. The end.